Back to coaching

Today I have officially returned to coaching lacrosse. I’m at a clinic in Massachusetts and my anxiety going in was visible. The only person willing to ask me what was wrong was the person running the clinic and I was honest with him. I said well my husband died. And he just gave me a hug and said will you need breaks? I said we’ll see. Being confronted with the other coaches is hard for me. I know they know what is going on and I know they’re asking one another about it. I don’t think they are gossiping about it but I know it has been brought up. And yes it makes me uncomfortable because I can’t do anything to change what has happened. It’s just there.Β 

Apparently I appear lethargic and withdrawn. Okay.Β 

When it came time to work with the athletes I turned it on. I know I did because a lot of the girls who came to my station left feeling really good about their performance. Even the other coaches I was with said it was enjoyable. At the end of the day, I’m fine with coaches thinking I look withdrawn but as long as the kids get what they came to the clinic for, I’m satisfied. But right when it was time to leave and I didn’t have to keep it together, I allowed myself to unravel. I’m sad, incredibly sad, and to fake happiness is tiresome. I wish I could call George right now and tell him how my day went. Tell him about the lacrosse gossip because he always was interested in it. He loved gossip and I loved telling him about it.Β Image


About J.

Fitness professional, aspiring writer, college lacrosse coach, widowed at 28, currently dating an Air Force officer who is deployed and documenting the at-home dealings and updates.
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