Today I have officially returned to coaching lacrosse. I’m at a clinic in Massachusetts and my anxiety going in was visible. The only person willing to ask me what was wrong was the person running the clinic and I was honest with him. I said well my husband died. And he just gave me a hug and said will you need breaks? I said we’ll see. Being confronted with the other coaches is hard for me. I know they know what is going on and I know they’re asking one another about it. I don’t think they are gossiping about it but I know it has been brought up. And yes it makes me uncomfortable because I can’t do anything to change what has happened. It’s just there.
Apparently I appear lethargic and withdrawn. Okay.
When it came time to work with the athletes I turned it on. I know I did because a lot of the girls who came to my station left feeling really good about their performance. Even the other coaches I was with said it was enjoyable. At the end of the day, I’m fine with coaches thinking I look withdrawn but as long as the kids get what they came to the clinic for, I’m satisfied. But right when it was time to leave and I didn’t have to keep it together, I allowed myself to unravel. I’m sad, incredibly sad, and to fake happiness is tiresome. I wish I could call George right now and tell him how my day went. Tell him about the lacrosse gossip because he always was interested in it. He loved gossip and I loved telling him about it.