UPS package waiting

DSCN0994My eyes are starting to open wider and see the gloom that he is gone. He will not be physically returning to me. This week has been particularly difficult because each day I seem to fall further into grief. I’m crying more and harder when I’m alone. I still put the brave face on when I’m at work, but there’s those moments when a deep dark upchuck of grief happens and I have to close my door to hide in my misery. It’s become more of the same, and less and less coaches are tip toeing around it. It’s a lesson to many of them that this is grief in its finest form.

I met with my bereavement counselor today and that was a breath of fresh air. Although she says chamomile like camo-mile, but I can look pass her faults. She’s such a nice woman, and she always reminds me that, although it’s a terrible group to be a part of, I’m in an exclusive club of young widows under 30 years old. I’d like to refund my membership please.

Without revealing too much of what today’s session was about, she was comforting with all the feelings that are starting to bubble up are “normal.” Watching someone die of liver failure is traumatic and even more so when you just returned from your honeymoon the month before and all of a sudden your life changes. I told her I’m still blogging and she commended me on that, but also mentioned I should keep a gratitude journal as well. I think I’ll do that, but not on wordpress. I don’t think people need to read about my delicious salad bowl from chipotle that my assistant got me for lunch.

After I saw her, I went home and upon getting home I received notice that I had a package waiting for me. I went to get the package and immediately saw there was target tape on it. It is a wedding gift.

When I open the package, there were three smaller packages inside: a bamboo cutting board, flower urn, and shoe rack. The stitches that were loosely holding my heart together after meeting with my counselor ripped open, seam by seam. It was sent from one of George’s good friends, and I KNOW THE INTENTIONS ARE GOOD. But, all I can really respond with is- really?

Tomorrow I get the keys to my new apartment. It’s time.

Okay, time for a writing prompt:

Dear George,

What I want you to know about me is I was always honest and loyal to you. You had my heart from when I first saw you. I tried to hide it, but as you noticed I would always act differently around you then anyone else. When we started dating, I was inexperienced with love, and didn’t know what was happening, and when you first said “I love you,” I couldn’t believe it so instead I got angry. I loved you, but didn’t trust you. And it was because I wasn’t honest with myself. As I opened up to you- and fell madly in love- you brought the best out of me. Anything in the world, I could talk to you about it. If something was bothering me, I never was embarrassed to talk to you. Even when there was the mishap in New Mexico; you still lovingly gazed into my eyes and said, we’ll pretend it never happened. And through everything in our time together, my loyalty to you runs deep. Even now. And I’m not sure if you knew or felt that, but I want you to know. You protected me when we were together and I hope you’ll do the same now.

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About J.

Fitness professional, aspiring writer, college lacrosse coach, widowed at 28, currently dating an Air Force officer who is deployed and documenting the at-home dealings and updates.
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One Response to UPS package waiting

  1. cjraines says:

    I can’t imagine your grief. I can’t imagine watching your husband your brand-new husband die from liver cancer.

    Whether attending meetings or counseling or not I suppose I am part of your exclusive club, widows under the age of 30. I kind of hate that word. Widow. I changed my Facebook status today 15 days after my husband died. I am officially widowed.

    He’s been in the ground almost a week. It was so strange to close the casket on his face and know that I would never see it again. I mean I can see in my memories and in the thousands of pictures that I treasure. But I will never see his face smile at me or those gorgeous brown eyes. I will never feel his hands intertwined with mine again.

    My husband died on Christmas morning. The day after Christmas, I got a package for him. It was a stick on the wall dry erase board. 10′ x 4′ or something ridiculous. I ordered it in August and figured it had gotten lost it would never arrive and I just never checked on it. Somebody might as well have hit me in the face with a 2 x 4.

    Thank you for writing your blog in for sharing.

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