It seems the weather outside seems as fickle as I am. Yesterday it was 45 degrees and this afternoon, when I woke up… it was 8 degrees. I’ve been having serious insomnia problems. Hence why most of my posts are at 2:30a. I’m committed today to going to bed at midnight. I have to wake up early tomorrow and get breakfast for my assistant and me. My assistant has been amazing throughout this whole thing. From the moment George’s health started to spiral downward in the Spring to when I found out he was terminal in September to when I had to miss work for 2 weeks due to hospice and his death. She’s been a champ and I couldn’t have asked for a better assistant to support me.
I was crying a lot today. My sadness was crippling. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything until about 8pm today when I finally started cooking. Cooking does help me feel better. I don’t think I’ve ever been as sad as today. My dog was just looking at me, and when I looked at him I wept saying, “He’s never coming home.” I want the shock back. With the gradual fog lifting, this is too painful to endure. So with so much sadness, I decided it was time to revisit the grief journal. I did the first two writing prompts in my grief journal and now I’m going to do the third. This one is brutal.
What you never understood is how important you are/were in helping me grow up. We met when I was only 22 and just months out of college. I had never been more than 15 minutes from home and after college, living in Wilkes Barre was hard and I needed a friend like you. The moment I saw you walk into the classroom, I was smitten. I would talk to my parents and tell them about the man from Atlanta. I looked forward to seeing you whenever the Wilkes University residencies came. You were a light in the darkness during that time. When we started dating, I disliked who I had become and when you would tell me how beautiful I was, I never believed it. And it was because I didn’t love myself and couldn’t fathom why anyone could love me. But you did. You made me a complete person. And when I was complete I became happy, and it changed my attitude about life. Your love was so powerful and I don’t think you ever realized how much you impacted me. You helped me become a better and more understanding person. Having you in my life made me the happiest I’ve ever been. And now without you, I’ve never been this depressed and lonely. Your love meant everything to me.