It’s not getting easier

It seems the weather outside seems as fickle as I am. Yesterday it was 45 degrees and this afternoon, when I woke up… it was 8 degrees. I’ve been having serious insomnia problems. Hence why most of my posts are at 2:30a. I’m committed today to going to bed at midnight. I have to wake up early tomorrow and get breakfast for my assistant and me. My assistant has been amazing throughout this whole thing. From the moment George’s health started to spiral downward in the Spring to when I found out he was terminal in September to when I had to miss work for 2 weeks due to hospice and his death. She’s been a champ and I couldn’t have asked for a better assistant to support me.

I was crying a lot today. My sadness was crippling. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything until about 8pm today when I finally started cooking. Cooking does help me feel better. I don’t think I’ve ever been as sad as today. My dog was just looking at me, and when I looked at him I wept saying, “He’s never coming home.” I want the shock back. With the gradual fog lifting, this is too painful to endure. So with so much sadness, I decided it was time to revisit the grief journal. I did the first two writing prompts in my grief journal and now I’m going to do the third. This one is brutal.

Dear George,

What you never understood is how important you are/were in helping me grow up. We met when I was only 22 and just months out of college. I had never been more than 15 minutes from home and after college, living in Wilkes Barre was hard and I needed a friend like you. The moment I saw you walk into the classroom, I was smitten. I would talk to my parents and tell them about the man from Atlanta. I looked forward to seeing you whenever the Wilkes University residencies came. You were a light in the darkness during that time. When we started dating, I disliked who I had become and when you would tell me how beautiful I was, I never believed it. And it was because I didn’t love myself and couldn’t fathom why anyone could love me. But you did. You made me a complete person. And when I was complete I became happy, and it changed my attitude about life. Your love was so powerful and I don’t think you ever realized how much you impacted me. You helped me become a better and more understanding person. Having you in my life made me the happiest I’ve ever been. And now without you, I’ve never been this depressed and lonely. Your love meant everything to me.

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About J.

Fitness professional, aspiring writer, college lacrosse coach, widowed at 28, currently dating an Air Force officer who is deployed and documenting the at-home dealings and updates.
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6 Responses to It’s not getting easier

  1. Ari says:

    Your post is beautiful and makes me teary. You’re a strong woman. We are faced with only what we can take and this may not make sense now but it will build you and make you stronger. I am sure he is with you wherever he is. Your writing is gorgeous.

    • J. says:

      Thank you for the kind words. It’s hard to imagine an end to all this. I wish I could be stronger quicker. But all skyscrapers begin as a giant hole.

  2. mewhoami says:

    I read this today and thought of you. It was shared during the funeral of a fellow blogger’s brother. Wanted to share it with you. Hope you don’t mind.

    When I am Gone

    When I am gone, release me – let me go. I have so many things to see and do. You must not tie yourself to me with tears. Be happy that we had so many years. I gave you love. You can only guess how much you gave me in happiness. I thank you for the love each have shown but now it is time that I travelled alone. So grieve awhile for me if grieve you must, then let your grief be comforted by trust. It is only for a while that we must part, so bless those memories within your heart. I will not be far away, for life goes on. So if you need me, call and I will come. Though you cannot see or touch me, I will be near. And if you listen with your heart, you will hear. All of my love around you, soft and clear. Then when you must come this way alone, I will greet you with a smile and ‘Welcome Home’.

    • J. says:

      I don’t mind at all. It was hard to read but stirred up a lot of emotions I can’t seem to quiet down. It’s very touching and has left me speechless.

      • mewhoami says:

        I guess I was hoping that somehow it would help. I’m sorry to stir up even more feelings for you. I know this is all so difficult and draining. 😦

      • J. says:

        It’s okay. It’s comforting but in a weird way. And I can’t really put it into words. I think it hit all the notes that I feel.

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