Enter stage left

Several times today I found myself staring at pictures and instead of longing for the happier times, I was getting angry. I’d look at George’s sweet smile and gentle eyes and then murmur, how can you have left me? I know it’s not his fault and there’s nothing I can or could’ve done, but the feeling of abandonment stirred something new inside of me. I’m pissed off. I’m pissed off that I have 40-70+ years that I have to go and I’m going to have to somehow figure out how to overcome this loss and move on. I wanted a life with him. I didn’t want a life with anyone else. He got to spend his last days knowing that I loved him more than anything else. And now I have to go on and I don’t feel his love. I felt his love but that’s the past tense. I’m scared to move on because I don’t want his memory to up and vanish. I’m terrified that it will. People will move on and once and a while see something that might remind them of their good ole pal George, but those reminders will dwindle as years go by.

You know why they say survived by in the obituaries. Because that exactly what we are. Survivors. He left me to figure out how to survive and get by without him. And it hurts. It’s painful beyond belief to have to tack on a new 24 hours from the day that he passed. Soon it will be 2 months, then 3 months, then an anniversary, etc. And no matter how many tears drown me and leave me gasping for fresher times, all I have to do is survive. Survive the waves of grief until it doesn’t hurt anymore. And I am just floating on. And maybe in 5 years or so I’ll see something and remember my first love George. But right now, everything I see reminds me of what it felt like to have him by my side and all I want is to have him back.

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About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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3 Responses to Enter stage left

  1. Reading your blog is like reading about my life a year ago. I can’t believe it has been as long as it had been for me, as everything you say still rings so true.

    I just wanted to drop a line and say hi. I’d say “I know what you’re going through”, but in reality I don’t. Every situation, every relationship, every grieving process is different but I can definitely relate.

    You’re a great writer by the way. When I started writing to Dan after his death most of the time all I could write was “This sucks. I miss you. I love you. This really fucking sucks. Why did this happen? I miss you. I miss you. etc. etc.” over and over. I was a broken record and still am over a year later – but writing definitely helps even when writing ineloquently.

    I found this article a few weeks ago. Thought I would share. I found it to perfectly describe everything I was feeling. Maybe you will too. http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/12/18/5-lies-you-were-told-about-grief/

  2. kdmo83 says:

    What you are going thru is exactly what I am going thru right now. I lost my sweet husband Jerry after 30 years of marriage on Dec. 15th, 2013. Tomorrow January 8th is just 2 months after is diagnoses of his melanoma returning after 10 years of remission. We traveled within days of his diagnoses from Missouri to MD Anderson in Houston. He made it thru his second chemo treatment and died suddenly 2 days after. It was not expected by the staff and I am still in shock and seriously can barely get dressed and breath on a daily basis. I have a 15 year old son that still lives in the home and two grown daughters.
    Your words today hit me so hard. I started a blog to document his recovery and instead I find myself writing letters to him.
    The years we had with our husbands are not the same but the love we have for them is as strong.

    • J. says:

      I’m envious of the longevity of your marriage. I never anticipated losing my husband within months. I do think that blogging or journaling is very helpful. I talk to my husband more than write to him. Every night I tell him I love him and hope he comes and visits me in my dreams. Love is a very powerful thing and in a grief article I read it said grief is love turned inside out. That’s why it’s the hardest emotion to ever have to deal with. Thank you for commenting. Meeting other W’s has proved that although this journey is horrible and lonely, it’s good to know there’s others who are walking it as well.

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