Luck found me


Besides the fact that my dog was sick throughout the night throwing up and I was ready to have the worst day imaginable, luck found its way to me. There were mass cancellations throughout the northeast due to the snow storm, but luckily someone in housing at my university contacted me about an apartment. I like my current apartment now, it feels and smells like George. But at the same time I feel the essence of death swirling within the rooms. I step into my living room, and although the furniture is back to its rightful places, I can still picture the hospital bed and oxygen machine where my husband was waiting to die. It’s so fucking morbid in there. Pardon my cussing. The chains of death latch on to me the moment I enter the apartment and I’m scared to leave it because I don’t want to miss feeling George. But when I’m away from it, I’m dreading the moment I step through the doorway to sit on my depressing throne in front of the tv, where I sit in a zombie like trance in between my lonely whimpers and boisterous sobs. It’a a cruel carousel.

So the big news for today is I have a new apartment. It’s a way to move forward but I’m sad to leave the apartment my husband and I shared. It’s scary to be in a new place he will never actually see. Just like coming into 2014 will be the first year since 2006 that I haven’t been able to communicate with him. All these milestones are happening so quickly and I’m scared. I want to step out but I secretly wish my feet were in the mud. As more days separate the last time I was with him, I just can’t believe he’s really gone. We knew we were going to move out of our current apartment once the lease was up, but I never thought there wasn’t going to be a we when it came time to move.

Next Friday I get the keys to my new place, but I have my current apartment until the end of February. I’ve decided that I’m going to arrange the new place like our apartment in Brooklyn. It was our favorite apartment and the happiest time we had.image

About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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