Breaking apart

imageSeeing that the last 6 weeks have been nothing short of a nightmare, I can only anticipate the beginning of this year will be a moderate reflection of those weeks. It’s become clear, after seeing candid pictures (see above) from yesterday’s alumni event, I look sad. Not a little sad, but really miserable. As if just waking up and reaching for a glass of water to only realize your right arm is missing. As this nightmare meanders forward, my New Years resolution is to find peace and learn to cope with what is now my new reality. To do so I need to take care of myself. I’ve been reading more, so far so good.

It is the first of the New Year and I’ve already cried about a half dozen times and it’s not even sundown yet. I am emotionally crippled and I no longer want to be. Yes, I’m depressed, but what am I doing to help myself? Nothing. I eat, cry, eat, do arbitrary mindless things, eat, write, cry, sleep. Then it’s more of the same the next day. I have let myself go, although many of my friends and family say I haven’t and that I just “look like I’ve gone through a lot.” That’s so vague. I feel unhealthy in every aspect of the word.

I’ve decided I want to take hold of my grief and turn it into something. I will make lists of what I want to accomplish in the day. Demands of myself because I should expect more. I am a strong woman and I need to break the binds that are holding me back from me being me. Basically I intend to break myself emotionally. There’s this dark cloud that hovers over me wherever I go and it’s about time it breaks apart and let some light come through.

Here are some lifestyle goals:

  1. For almost 2 years I was vegan and I felt the best when I was. When George and I found out he was dying we both jumped off. I intend on returning to a more plant based diet. Not as strict but I can no longer allow fear and death into my body until I no longer suffer from fear and death.
  2. I was a division 1 athlete and have been good about my workout regiments in the past. Not allowing myself to gain too much weight. Well I need to return to a workout regiment. Again, I stopped working out the day I found out George was dying and that was almost 4 months ago and on one hand I can count how many times I’ve worked out. I will do a minimum of 3 workouts per week to get myself back on track. I will edit this as seen fit.
  3. One positive from all this is I have been reading more. I will continue to read and write more. It’s a good mental boost and I like losing myself in it.
  4. I will go out with friends once a week. I’ve been known to be a recluse but I need to be a better friend. Friends are a pain killer.

Today I will plug away at what I’ve set up for myself as lifestyle goals. I plan in doing 100 push ups and 500 sit ups and doing Hip Hop Abs before the day is over.

Update: I accomplished my short term goals. I did the push ups and sit ups. I didn’t do hip hop abs. Instead I did yoga and at the end I started crying. It was a great release.


About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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