Tabula Rasa

Without sounding like a broken record, which I can only imagine so many New Years Eve posts are, tomorrow marks a new year. A time for new beginnings and a time to reinvent ones self. Well, I am not ready to do so. I am ready to say goodbye to this hellish 2013, but I’m also anxious about 2014. This will be a year where George will not grace my presence. It’s more real than ever that I am going to have to get by on my own. This is very scary.

I’m about to head over to my friend’s house who had lost her mother a couple years ago, and I have been talking to her about grief. She’s been a god send in all of this because she knows how I’m feeling when very few do. And I’m lucky that she’s such a close friend and a genuine and honest person. I’m moving forward, and walking with caution as if I’m about to step on glowing coals. I’m terrified about closing this chapter and starting a new one. It’s weird not to have George within a ear shot this upcoming New Years.

Last year, I went to a party in Brooklyn at about 430 in the afternoon. Early start. George wasn’t feeling well that day because he was getting over a cold so I was without him. Once the ball had dropped, George called me seconds later and I immediately I asked him to pick me up. Minutes later he called to tell me he was outside. I hollered my goodbyes and stumbled outside the apartment complex and hoisted myself into the car. He gave me a big kiss and said I was sweeter then 2012. Almost immediately I started crying about how hungry I was. Inconsolably crying, because I couldn’t control myself at this point. He took my hand and said not to worry he’ll get me home. Once we got back to our apartment, he poured me a bowl of cereal and I inhaled it an consumed 2 more before collapsing into a loud slumber. The next morning he asked me to go out and get cereal because I ate it all.

I freaking love that man. I should look at this upcoming year as an opportunity for a new start. And I do. I’m just not ready for a clean slate, but there’s really not a choice in this matter.

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About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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