When the Roman Catholics developed the thought of purgatory, I think they were referring to grief. This state of mind and being is barely manageable. You just float through time some days feeling like utter chaos and others just not feeling at all. I didn’t cry today. I didn’t laugh today either. I don’t think I even smiled. I was just alive.
There’s a wealth of conflicting impulses that I’ve been going through on a daily basis. Some days I want to just run out if the house and run until I cannot go any further. Then other days I want to cook until my hands swell from the heat of the stove. But with these shifting impulses I end up just not doing anything at all. It’s like they cancel each other out. When one gut twisting impulse pops into my head another one is on deck to distract the former.
Tomorrow I am scheduled to play basketball and I’m looking forward to doing so. George’s nephew plays basketball and last time we were in Ohio we were playing horse and doing trick shots. I’m extremely competitive and George, although not the most athletic, he was really good at shooting hoops. He would make these wild shots and when I tried to replicate it, I couldn’t. We rarely played sports together but one of the first things we did together was throw the lacrosse ball around. George had never seen nor played lacrosse. He was familiar with ice hockey though, and I assured him the skill set for both are similar. He definitely had the eye hand coordination for lacrosse and he was a great passing partner as long as I threw it spot on. When there was pick up lacrosse games in Chelsea I would always bring an extra stick so we could just pass around. He would come out to watch me coach in the coldest and worst weather too. I’m sure he went to more games than he wanted, and I knew it wasn’t his favorite thing but he just supported me and I think enjoyed watching me be happy. I want to be happy now in the worst way. I just can’t. Instead I mindlessly wander through a spectrum of emotions on some days and none on others.