Crash in LA

Right now I’m sitting alone in a hotel room typing this post on my iPhone. So it’ll be short and to the point because auto correct is already getting annoying. This morning  I flew out to LA with my parents, brother, and my brothers girlfriend to spend the holidays my sister and my other brother and his new family. Last time I was in LA was a little over a year ago with George.

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At some point on the 6 hour flight it hit me; this is my first vacation in almost 5 years without my soulmate. I know with grief you’re supposed to let it all out, but seeing that I was wedged against the window thanks to the gentleman who was sitting next to me and hadnt mastered the concept of personal space, I buried my emotions. By doing so it led to a monster headache. It felt like a knife was scraping the inside of my skull.

When I got off the flight I didn’t want to create a scene in the airport so I just stared at the ground and bit the inside of my lip. The moment we left and got to the hotel room that was supposed to be shared with George, I let it all out. I truly felt alone.

Less than a half hour later it was time to drive to my brothers house to finally meet the newest member of my family; my niece. I’ve been dreading this since George died. It’s the whole new life mixed with death. psychologically I couldn’t handle it.

We parked and started walking up the hill to his place. Something started to happen to me that I’ve never felt before. It was so hazy but ill try to describe it as best as possible:

From where the car was to the gate of his house couldn’t have been more than a 2 minute walk. But from the moment I opened the car door and got out my head was light. Not like how you stand up too quickly lightheadedness, but like high altitude lightheaded. As we were walking up the stairs, I felt weaker and my vision crossed. But not double vision when you’ve had too much to drink, but when you snap out of dozing off and you need to refocus. Once we opened the gate, I broke down. I hadn’t cried like this ever. I couldn’t breathe, I was gasping for air like the tears were filling up my lungs. I couldn’t pull myself together to see my new niece. I couldnt even look at my brother. I was all alone and I honestly felt it today for the first time and I just crashed. My family was saying they understand, but how could they? Everyone there had their significant other. No one has had the luxury I’ve had of signing the papers to have their loved one cremated. How can they understand what I’m going through? This is beyond comprehension and I dont even know how I’m getting by.

I’m falling apart in California.

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About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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