I’m going to go ahead and apologize ahead of time, but I’m pretty sure every post on the 19th will read monthly anniversaries, and every monday until I lose count will be the number of weeks I’ve been without George. So here is goes:
Today would mark our 3 month anniversary together. 25% of the year spent married. I don’t think we would have done anything remarkably special for it, but later today I will be going to Bryant Park in NYC. George and I always went to Bryant Park around Christmas because we loved the shops, food, skating rink, and just the overall uniqueness it had. Everyone rants and raves about Rockefeller Center, but Bryant Park is the girl next door. I’m really looking forward to spending the afternoon there and just remembering how much fun it was to shop for our families last minute there.
It’s weird to think that 3 month ago, we were heading to NYC City Clerk’s office to finally get married. It was a Thursday morning and we got to the City Clerk’s office around 10am and we were officially married by 1:30pm. Lots of waiting around, but the day was filled with excitement and love. The time we spent waiting for a Justice of Peace to marry us seemed like a long time, but we held hands, took pictures, and watched the other couples around us. Some people were in white gowns, others were getting married in jeans and a tshirt. If anyone is interested in people watching the City Clerks office is a great place to go.
George and I were engaged for almost 2 years and were planning on having our ceremony and reception on October 19th, 2013. We still had our reception on October 19th, but we hastened our ceremony. On Monday September 16th, it was the first day of my Fall practices with my lacrosse team and I remember that first practice went extremely well. Much better than what I anticipated. I was in high spirits when I came home and after I dropped my car off I ran into George who was walking our dog outside. I couldn’t wait to tell him the news about how well my practice went and how I thought we were going to have a great Fall season. He wasn’t sharing in my enthusiasm, and was holding back his words. Rarely was George short with me, he usually loved to talk about anything and everything. When we got into the apartment, he told me I should sit. He sat on the bigger couch and I sat across from him on the love seat. He dropped his stare to the ground and started crying. After he regained his composure, he looked up at me and said “the doctor said I’m not going to get better. I’m dying.”
Those words were like a bomb in my heart. I doubled over and started sobbing uncontrollably. Howling and gasping for air, I just couldn’t believe that all our optimism of sharing and building a life together came to a halt. He quickly came over and hugged me and tried to sooth me, but those word lacerated my soul. He was wiping away my tears as I was just trying to squeeze him as hard as I could. We’ve talked a hundred times over in bed together about how we couldn’t imagine a life without the other person. We were kindred spirits, and our aspirations, hearts and minds intertwined so perfectly. We always said we hoped every George has a Julia, and every Julia has a George. So that night, I went and filled out what we needed to do to get our marriage license and three days later we got married.
A lot of people didn’t understand why we just got up and got married on a weekday, and I never tried to explain it. Neither did he. We never openly talked about his illness because it wasn’t anyone’s business but our own. But that day when he came home, we both decided we couldn’t wait any longer, but that if we were going to get married, now was the time. My only regret is that I wish we did it years earlier. But there’s more to that story as well.
Like many brides and/or grooms, I was getting cold feet leading up to the marriage. George had been married once before, and being his second wife scared me a bit. The word marriage frightened me too. But I knew I shared my soul with him, and that there was no one else in the world I wanted to be with more. But the idea of marriage just scared me, just like so many other people. But George was always so sweet when I expressed my fears about it. He would just tell me that I was “the one” and that he’ll love me always and stay with me forever. Some days when he was annoyed with me about the anti-marriage talk he would just sit in the other room and when he got into bed, he would go “I can’t imagine living a life without you.” He was a beautiful man and our love just ran so deep. And now I can’t imagine living a life without him. I know he’s with me in spirit and memory, but looking at pictures, listening to voicemails, watching videos, and reading his notes… it’s just not enough. I miss him so much, and I hope I can feel him when I go to Bryant Park this evening.
I’m sorry for the long post.