Today marks 4 weeks since George died. Although the days seem to be inching along, 4 weeks feel like it’s been only 4 days. When I close my eyes, I can still see George laying on the hospital bed in my living room. I can see his face turned toward the right side, with his Kiss shirt pulled up over his belly button. I still remember how he looked in his final days rather than how he looked at his healthiest. It tears me up inside that I can’t remember him at his best. That’s why I keep posting pictures at the end of these blogs of when he was happiest and “healthiest.” I hope the more I look at those pictures, it will overpower the gruesome ones.
Today was a monumental day in understanding my grief and carousel of emotions. I’ve read about what it means to be grieving but I was really looking forward to speaking with a professional bereavement counselor. Although, when I first walked into her office I could see her smile drop for a second when her eyes met mine and she saw how young I am. Age was a big discussion in our meeting today, because ultimately I’m going to feel the sorrow of this loss for the rest of my life. Just over time it won’t be as raw and my body will learn to deal with the pain.
We talked a lot about my concerns, now and then, and what George’s concerns about dying and being sick. I’m not going to go into it so much on this post because I think overtime these things will reveal themselves. But my immediate concerns do have to deal with my lacrosse team, and meeting my niece in 5 days. Today is her 2 month birthday and well, that’s a whole other bag. I’m sure if you think long and hard about new life and death you can understand my trepidations about meeting her at this time.
One things I’m really looking forward to exploring is some writing prompts I received from my counselor about starting to come face to face with my emotions. It’s supposed to help me sift through my thoughts, and hopefully be a catalyst in finding clarity, understanding, and eventual peace. So let’s have at it:
Dear George, I miss how you would roll over on your side in the morning to grab me and hold me tight. The warmth of your body and the cadence of breathing in my ear made me feel safe and secure. I miss how you would point at your cheek whenever you wanted a kiss. You never were short of expressing your love and I never hesitated to reciprocate. Even if I was grumpy, you would just point to you cheek and I knew that you were always sweeter than sugar. You showed me there’s always light in everything. I miss how you always demanded to cuddle, just because every day was a good day for a cuddle session. It was just you, me and Bodie, but we never doubted that we were a family. We fit perfectly together, and from our first date we knew we were made for one another. You brought excitement to everything and anything, no matter how boring it was. Even waiting in the airport on a 6 hour delay became a tolerable adventure. I miss how you had the biggest bluest eyes I’ve ever seen, and I loved how you looked at me with them.
There’s so much that I miss. This will be a prompt that I come back to.