Send thoughts of empowerment

I’m trying hard to have some normalcy to my life. Even when I get overwhelmed, I simply excuse myself and go have a moment in the bathroom or alone in another room. Last night, I attended a Christmas party, and although I do think it was good I attended, I felt as if I didn’t belong.

There were a lot of former work colleagues there, and my current situation is no secret. It was extremely uncomfortable to have so many people come up saying more of the same. The almond shaped eyes of concern matching with the softened voice of “I’ve been thinking about you. You’re in my heart,” was as common a tagline as “does anyone need another drink?” I’m so exhausted from it. I’m so tired of everyones pity. Words do not make me feel better. The sympathy that is pouring out like a faucet when I walk into room is somewhat disingenuous. Especially when everyone is laughing hysterically and once I walk into the room a wave of silence falls over the group. It’s a worse feeling then overhearing someone talking behind your back, because you know exactly what is going through everyone’s minds at that moment. This is as glaring as a grape juice stain on a white sheet. If someone I know has a family member or friend pass away, I will send them thoughts of empowerment rather than condolences. I’m completely helpless. The outside world is continuing to go on, while I just stay frozen in time. I need a hand, I need a push to go on, but instead all I get is sympathy. I was told I will be older when this fabric of grief is laced into my character and I’m beginning to see why.

With everything going on, I’ve started to see how difficult this is for my parents and siblings. There’s so many problems that can be resolved or covered up until a better solution comes along, but this is a time for them where they can’t do anything. All they can do is sit by me and watch me suffer. I’m not a parent, but I was talking with one of my friends with a kid and they kind of shined the light on a parent’s perspective. When we were talking, they couldn’t keep eye contact with me and kept shaking her head saying , “I can’t imagine what your parents are going through.” She said she would do anything possible to protect her child, and this is just… well she trailed off also, but the message was loud and clear.

Parents try to protect their children, regardless of age, and with a grieving child, this is one problem that is entirely is out of anyone’s control. And how young George was is hard to ignore. He was 46. Not only is his age, situation tugging at any person’s heart, but I’m a 28 year old widow. Except I hear about these drone strikes that are wiping out dozens of civilians and it does bring perspective that things could in fact be worse. Anyway, all my parents can do is be there as a support pillar; Try to lend a hand when I collapse, and lift my chin up and say, “go on, you’ll be okay. Eventually.” I appreciate their support more than anything in the world right now. It’s hard to explain, but without them Β encouraging me to keep plugging along regardless of how difficult the day has or will be, I would 100% be a recluse.

Will Smith was wrong, parents do understand. Is it noticeable that my mind is a little scattered right now?

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About J.

Fitness professional, aspiring writer, college lacrosse coach, widowed at 28, currently dating an Air Force officer who is deployed and documenting the at-home dealings and updates.
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5 Responses to Send thoughts of empowerment

  1. mewhoami says:

    I can’t imagine how it must feel to walk into a room and everyone become quite because of your situation. Even though it’s because they don’t know what to say or how to act, it can’t be easy on you.

    Death does make people feel helpless. I just lost my stepfather in March. It hurts me tremendously, but nothing compared to how it hurts my mom. And there is nothing that I can do to take away her pain and I can’t stand that. I would do anything in the world to make her happy, but that is one thing that I can’t do anything about. I imagine that seeing you go through this, makes your parents feel the same. It must be so hard for them.

    Keep your head up. One day at a time, just keep moving.

    • J. says:

      Thank you for your words of encouragement. I have been loving the company of my close friends and family recently. The first couple weeks I didn’t really notice who was in the room, but now I seem happiest when they’re around. They also make the days move smoother. So even though there isn’t a way to take the pain away, I do think family is a healthy pain killer.

  2. positivagirl says:

    You write so beautifully well.

    I remember this feeling. What I found was that in the early days. i was so very shocked. I tried just to do ‘normal’ things. I remember going out just a week after she died. I wanted to get on with ‘normal’ life. After all, life has to go on for us right?

    I encountered just as you described. What I found, was that I had a delay in my grief, that didn’t match theirs. What you describe about people laughing and then silence as they looked at you in pity, I felt too. It felt such a lonely place to be. You see, in the beginning, I was so in shock, that I didn’t feel the sadness that they felt. In fact, sometimes their sadness made me feel bad – I felt that i had to take on their grief too…. but right at that moment (I think for the first 6 weeks) – I was protected by shock. My tears came in waves – I wanted people to be NORMAL with me. This was all that i wanted, things to be normal.

    Bereavement and grief, is so very tough to go through – as I found that people give you a label, and don’t speak to you like they normally would have done. Often you can see it in their eyes, and they cock their head to one side, in sympathy. I would think please just talk to me normally I am not mentally ill….. or they would talk in a slow voice, like my hearing had gone, or I had became suddenly stupid. I wished that the laughter in the room stayed there when I entered…. as their laughter would have cheered my spirits….. and reminded me, that after all that i had lost (I felt my entire world) – that I would have been comforted that some things remain the same…..

    • J. says:

      When you wished for normalcy and didn’t get it from certain people did you distance yourself from them? I feel myself starting to become distant with those I used to really enjoy spending time with.

      I’ve started reading bereavement message boards for young widows and it seems that between 5 and 7 weeks the shock turns quickly to complete madness. I’m nervous for what’s to come. I didn’t think I was still in shock but I also don’t know what kind of emotions are coming out. I acknowledge he’s gone but I also feel like these past 4 weeks I’ve been suspended from reality. More of a spectator than a participator. This is such a strange experience.

      • positivagirl says:

        I found that I was protected for the first 6 weeks. Then bang at 6 weeks, it started to hit me. The first six weeks felt surreal. Sometimes if felt like others were more upset than me.

        Go careful pushing well meaning people away. As I did that. I distanced myself, then found that later I did need those people. Maybe say the truth. That for right now, you are likely still in shock, and that the full impact of the grief will come later. Have you heard of the 5 stages of grief and the healing process?

        The first one is denial,in the first stage you can feel numb with shock – you don’t want it to be true. You struggle to accept it. In the morning when you first wake you forget that it is true sometimes, and then 5 mins after waking it hits you.

        Denial is our bodies way of protecting us. I think that you stay in shock for the first 6 weeks. Or at least I did and others who lost same time as me (same day) – also felt the same. Don’t worry about that right now… otherwise you will live in fear for what is to come. Grief is a journey x

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