Staring at memories

Today was the first real snowfall of the season, and the smell of snow coming stirred up overwhelming emotions. When the sky finally broke, and the flakes drifted down, all I could think about is how much fun George and I had walking Bodie in the snow. Kicking snow in Bodie’s face and how excited he was to catch it in his mouth. Coming back to the apartment is becoming more and more difficult. I look at a pen, and it reminds me of George using it to address our wedding invitations. I look at the body wash and remember when we took at trip out to BJ’s and he remembered to grab it because we were running low. All these mundane things are arousing such strong memories. So tremendously powerful memories that I double over crying. I do not know how I can go on without him. He was my stability, my happiness, my hobby, my life.  I never knew someone could affect my life like this, and now I wish I told him every hour of the day how much I loved him. The limited time we had together, I would do anything to get it back, and all I can do is reflect on pictures and items of all the wonderful times we had together.

Yesterday was an extremely difficult day. It was George’s memorial service and the amount of love that was in the room was very special. Friend’s from all different points in his life show up; high school, college, graduate school, work, friends from when he lived in Columbus, Chicago, Atlanta, and of course NYC. We had several slide shows going on during it, and I tried to make it as interactive as possible. He wouldn’t want everyone in a room just crying, he would have preferred everyone enjoying the time they had together with him. So that’s what I tried to do. Anyone could go up and tell a story they had about George, and it was phenomenal. Hearing how much joy he brought to people’s lives through his generosity, goofiness, humor, and whimsical take on life. He is and will forever be a special person in everyone’s lives. Dealing with his loss is going to be the hardest thing to cope with for a lot of people, and I know that this will be hardest thing I’ll ever encounter in my life. I hope the pictures will provide me with the strength he gave me when he was alive. I miss him dearly


About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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