Ups and Downs

Today has been a very mixed day of ups and downs. i think I’ve said this once before, but mornings are always particularly difficult for me. Usually I become numb somewhere between 10-11a. I spent most of the day working on getting a charity together in honor of George and that was actually very pleasant for me. I don’t want to say it made me happy, but I wasn’t feeling as low as I have been. I think the other coaches in the office noticed too because I had more visitors stop by and I kept my door open for longer than 10 minutes. I think my door was open for almost 15 minutes in total today.

Tonight I had dinner plans with some of George’s closest friends. Before I go into that, I have to talk about this dog I saw outside of the restaurant. I arrived to the restaurant about 15 minutes early. This would be a good time to add I’m rarely on time, but lately I’ve been doing a spectacular job. Just going through the motions I guess. Anyway, I was standing outside of the restaurant and there was this Shepard mix on a walk. However, the dog was dragging its back legs. The owner got angry because she thought the dog was doing it on purpose. She lifted the dogs backside to get him on his feet, and again he just started dragging his legs. She got so angry at the dog, and while I was watching this I was about to have a complete meltdown. Luckily one of George’s high school friends came up to me and immediately took my attention away from the dog. I really do think this would’ve pulled at any dog lovers heart strings so I don’t chalk this up to being an emotional mess.

So dinner: Met up with 5 of George’s close friends and it was a hoot. It was like morphine. For those few hours I felt like he was right there next to me laughing it up. We told stories about George from when he was in high school, and what versions of the stories he told me. It was just such a great environment to be in tonight. Once we parted ways, I did realize that I was walking back to the Path train by myself, when usually he would be by my side and holding my hand. It’s amazing how quickly loneliness can creep in. It’s like a brain freeze, it just comes on so suddenly and strong.

I’ve really attached myself to the companionship of my dog. I noticed this when I got back and all the self doubt, sadness, uncertainty just went away the moment he greeted me at the door. Seeing his face and how excited to have me back home just gives me a rush of joy. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved my dog, but right now I don’t think I could get through an entire day without him. He truly is offering me the emotional support that I need, especially on these nights where all I want to do is talk to George. Every morning I wake up in tears and I have to remind myself that I can make it through the day. Today I did, and now I must take on the challenges of tomorrow. It never gets easier. It’s actually getting harder the more distance there is between the last day I had with my love to now.

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About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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